When 1000 Words Isn't Enough Words

Have you ever heard the expression "A picture is worth a 1000 words"? I think Einstein said that right after he said, "Let there be gravity". He was a brilliant Jew.

Basically, Einstein absolutely said the above 2 things, but the news media didn't let him say the entire thing that he was looking to say in the first thing that I said that he said up above.

You know what I was trying to say there, right? Great.

While Einstein got out "A picture is worth a 1000 words", it was the greedy, fear-mongering press-corps standing baited with SCOOP scrawled onto a shred of paper sat alongside their brown fedora hats already sprinting away with dime-in-hand ready to connect a pay-phone call to their editors with the day's front page headline "Einstein: German Turned Stoopid" that lost the world the rest of Einstein's brilliant quote...

"but if you crop that picture in a way that it is still very much apparent that there was somebody else in the picture with you but you would prefer the picture be more about you bc it would be a featured photograph for some personalized social network driven profile thing then that picture would now be worth about a billion words bc that is just fucking awesome."

There you have it...out of the mouth's of geniuses. Or genius bc it was just one Einstein that said it. You know...math.

That quote is still pretty relevant to this day, though, even though it was probably said somewhere around 1348 AD. A lot of the things that Einstein said are still pretty relevant. Einstein was like the Jules Verne of talking about pictures being worth a certain allotment of words.

Much like Einstein predicted in his quote, his revelation of "a personalized social network" or "a Facebook"(as the kids call it) is a thing that everybody uses and likes now. Your mom just got a Facebook and she asked me to be her friend. I didn't accept bc I don't want the comment "My heart is so happy. What a blessed day God has given us. Psalms LOL:14-17" under my status update of "spicy food diarrhea again :("

Also...this is your mom's profile pic:

"But how will the Internet know I have a computer?"

But the thing is that a Facebook is great and everybody loves it and super, but the best part is that YOUR a Facebook is about YOU so you get to be as unrelenting towards others and THEIR identities on YOUR a Facebook as you wanna be(eg: just bc you happened to be huggy drunk buddies one night at a downtown bar drinking $18 cran-vodkas doesn't mean that you need show everybody that you were huggy buddies one night at a downtown bar drinking $18 cran-vodkas bc their stupid face had their stupid eyes stupid closed and it's messing up a more-than-acceptable photo of you on a night your hair looked shiny & full.)

All allegiance seems to be thrown out the window when it comes to cropping an above-average picture of you.
I mean I get it. You look good. Work it. Snaps. Fist pounds. But, isn't the point of a social network to reconnect and/or further a relationship with people that you had known or know and if this is truly the reason for becoming part of a social network shouldn't the people that you befriend more than typically be able to VERY easily differentiate you from the other person that you would be flanked alongside of in your pose for your profile pic ESPECIALLY when you happen to be an 80lb white girl and the person you are cropping out is a 300lb Hispanic man?

Were you worried that your friends would have confused you, the 80lb white girl, with the other person in the pic, the 300lb Hispanic man, bc that makes me think that you think your friends are idiots and is that what being part of a social network revolution is all about? Just befriending stupid idiots all over the place and hoping they don't confuse their 2001 Alberta High Homecoming Queen for a 300lb Hispanic man in what appears to be an XXXL lime-green tee fixed with rhinestones?

Everything I said is is pretty well worn territory by Einstein, and I'm not sure that I could add anything thoughtful to the conversation outside of showing cropped a Facebook profiles that are, of course, worth almost a billion words:

435,600 Words

Some of those words:

Lotioned thighs. Poofity hair. Whore dress. Selfish friend.

665,342 Words

Some of those Words:

Shiny top. $18 drink. Parrot with a human face.

1,000,000,458 Words

Some of those Words:

Perfect

[note: all the words for this picture are just the word "Perfect" repeated 1,000,000458 times]

456 Words

Some of those Words:

We live in a digital era. Gone are the days where your photos would be rendered inside a bathtub of iodine and other secret elixirs for days on end to transform your memories from tiny glimpses of captured light on celluloid and turned into tangible objects able to be held & cherished. Technology has given us the means to have cameras that could literally create thousands of these memories in one evening's time, along with all the sharpness & lighting that film cameras from as little as a decade ago could never truly accomplish regardless of the photographer's skill or equipment.

That being said... is this picture worth the floating black guy's face?

348,597 Words

Some of those Words:

Swoopy bangs. Confused. Scared. Closet case. Be brave. No more locker room purple-nurples. Just make it through high school. You're done with high school? You're 29? Straight as your dick is hard, you say? Swoopy bangs. 2009. Saddest loser.

568,888 Words

Some of those Words:

Call. Mom. Tell her you love her.

01001010111 Words

Some of those Words:

Laurence Fishburne. Is. An. Idiot.

1,000 Words

Some of those Words:

Pride. Glory. Accomplishment. Nothing else happening anywhere.

{Spoiler Alert:}

987,546 Words

Some of those Words:

Sharp Suit. Dapper hat. International assassination conspiracy. That tie's color really pops.

3 Words

Those 3 Words:

Abs. 4. Dayz.

It's Official: Aaron Corp Too Ugly to Be a USC QB

It was well into the 4th quarter when I finally began watching the USC-Washington football game this weekend.

Should you be a reader of mine and be all like "What level wizard did Washington cast its spell of treachery upon USC's battle troll with?", to you, dear reader, I say maybe you should sit this post out and catch up with your X-Box Live friends that you've haven't cyber-gossiped new Mountain Dew flavors with since 3am and let us old high school jocks, with our crumbling dreams, crush these Nati-Light cans on our heads in some privacy.

USC-Washington. Huge upset. It was sometime after Washington had taken a 3-point lead and USC had taken the field in hopes of a scoring/winning drive that I made a sartling revelation.
The revelation was NOT that I wasn't watching the #3 ranked team in the nation and that all BCS rankings should be held-off a minimum 4 weeks to let these 18-21 year old athletes physically develop their sea-legs(grass-legs?).
The revelation almost certainly was NOT that the lax methods with which USC coach Pete Carroll motivates his players is a near crippling handicap when coming off a highly emotional game the week previous, as 18-21 year olds have not mentally developed their sea-legs(maturity-legs?).
WHATEVER, FOOTBALL TALK RADIO!

The revelation that I had came in taking a look at the quarterback for USC.

A completely ineffective and WAY over-his-head 19-year old baby. At least that's what I thought. I thought it was a baby making those bad plays. Then I saw this quarterback take off his helmet in frustration and realized that it was in fact a mongoloid.

What an uglyBAAAARF!
There is no way that HE is going to grow into whatever the hell it is I'm looking at here because YUCK is not a thing you can grow into!
No thanks, this guy's looks...we're not currently accepting applications!
Yeesh...keep your helmet on during the post game, friendo.
Seriously...did Chunk take a blue-chip scholarship from USC and demand he play left tackle for Sloth?
Ugly.

Mind you, he's not that ugly. His mother probably likes his looks and I'm sure that some large percentage of USC co-eds would like to "give him a mouth job", but USC sorta has a thing going...a thing where the quarterbacks don't have any striking resemblance to The Toxic Avenger.

Examples:
Carson Palmer

Wow...what did you set that electric shaver to this morning, sir...smokey? Job well done and you can shove that finger into me whenverWAIT. Stop. Where did that even come from? I'm sorry...I'm not serious...I'm straight...I'm not that serious...

Matt Leinart

Growl...look at that former Hiesman winning QB just sitting their on that chair not playing any football at all. SIGH...why can't that chair be my faceWOAH...no...not face...lapNO...not even lap...more like hand. But like...just so I could touch his assNO massage his assNO be there to support his ass, yes?...yes.

Mark Sanchez

JESUS FUCK! What is this guy...the entire fucking cast of "Friday Night Lights"? I'm not a guy who goes around and licks things off other guys Zeus-chizzled abs, but I'm just saying that if I were on a sex vacation with a guy, and that guy was Mark Sanchez, and I was making bacon for breakfast because we were hungry bc DUH sex vacation, I would eat that bacon out of anywhere on this guy...what was I even talking about now? I'm a straight male, by the way, so I'm talking in metaphors obviously.

Matt Barkely

Ahhhh...you guys...he's like a puppy with blonde hair and penetrating blue eyes...he's like a puppy from the Third Reich. He's the kid who was "supposed" to be starting at QB until he got hurt. Look at those prep school looks and that hard-knock chin, you guys...I'm recruiting this kid into my heart for a fuckfestNO...a DOUBLE fuckfest.

Handle Your C-Word Better

Fellas,

If you could pardonnez moi for uno momento...I've got a little something to clear up with the ladies.  Basically period stuff, you know...feelings & Hollywood hunks.  Here...your dad just got a new pair of "Bumper-Nutz" on his '94 Jeep Cherokee and he's looking for some ideas on how to get his mustache looking more aggressive.

[Hold 3 beats to allow gentlemen to get up and leave the Internet]

Ladies,

Wow...I just don't know what to say...Wow...I'm so sorry...here...specifically at 1:05, but still...Wow for everything and sorry...

Really?

Do you really think it's OK to say that to other human beings like that?

I'm of the opinion that you can say it "FOR FUN!", like "I'm going to wear hideously bad 80's clothes out dancing FOR FUN!" or "I'm just going to comment how good Hitler is at fucking FOR FUN!"

I'm of the opinion that there is "FOR FUN!" and then there is "What did you just say to me, motherfucker?"

The video is an excerpt from a "Bravo" show known as NYC Prep.  I say "known as" like some sort of asshole bc after watching just half of one episode I am assuming that it will never be picked up for a 2nd season as it makes the viewer feel like an asshole for making them wish that all the children on the show would die.

OK...no...not die...but definitely not live.

I've got this future conspiracy theory that all of Bravo's effete programming will be uploaded into all of Skynet's "Terminator robot logic programs" under "Reasons to Spare Human Kind", in which case we will all just be getting what we deserve.

Fair enough.

I ironically would've used both Terminator: Salvation & this Battle at the Beach promotion as reasons "Why" to wipe out the human race, so the apocalyptic robot scientists definitely have some room to be picky.

NYC Prep was a show skillfully re-capped by Gabe of Videogum, and if you'd enjoy more background on the above hate-crime-parody-closet-case-C-dropper by ALL MEANS I recommend the above link.  But if not, just know that the show was like a "real-life Gossip Girl" and my explanation of anything being a "real-life Gossip Girl" makes me feel sad and old and like I should have my granddaughter type the words out for me bc she knows how you young people communicate and explain topics of the day.

Twittings?

Ringtones?

LOLs?

Sexts? 

I don't understand.  I'm so confused and scared.  I need a nap.  Thank you for helping Pappy out with his bloggings.  Here's that sip of my Ensure I promised you.

What's important to know is that the baby dropping the C U Next Tuesday is a horrible monster.  Mind you he is a baby.  He is an 18-year old baby who is a monster but is still a baby at 18 and doesn't quite understand tact and the modicum of decorum adults exhibit amongst other human beings during interactions regarding seating arrangements at bourgeoisie gatherings of exhibition and decadence not seen since the show previously on Bravo or the French RevolutionLET THEM EAT CUNT!

FOR FUN!

What I'm trying to say is, when I was 18 I was pretty much a monster and my mother had to slap me once for being such a monster and I'm pretty sure that I called my sister something similar to C, if not the whole U Next Tuesday  and I dumped my prom date on prom night so I could mingle with another girl without feeling guilty bc guilt never truly applied to my daily interactions with others when I was busy being a monster.

Like I said...we've all got confessions of being a baby monster.

The thing is...ladies...poor, sweet ladies...it's time to start reacting to shit and not allowing baby monsters or horrible adult men push you around while you respond with a "thank you", however sarcastically and biting you feel you are phrasing it, because that shit is not how you react to the one thing that you cannot come back at with words.

They discussed it on 30 Rock, Season 1, that there is nothing that tops C.  NOTHING.  It is the ultimate worst you can call somebody with a V.  And NO it does not make you a bigger human for not reacting to it and NO it does not make you mature for shrugging it off and NO crying doesn't help you win and NO stop reacting like anything but this!

Two hits.  

Me hitting you with this metal stick upside your head and you hitting the couch.  

It's an old boxing expression.  You kids wouldn't remember.  It was a barbaric sport where they used to fight each other with gloves on their clenched hands.  No round house kicks allowed!  

I know!  Like I said, barbaric.

After I saw Out of Sight, I went and bought a slap stick(official name, right?) like Jennifer Lopez had just in case anybody wanted to tussle/call me a C.  Turns out nobody wanted to do either because I'm an athletic  200lb white male that follows the rules and stays primarily in white neighborhoods in the NW.  Works EVERY TIME ALL THE TIME, ladies.

Alright, now go get those boys back in here to read the rest of this post and go make them a turkey sandwich bc they are hungry after providing for you all day.

[Hold 4 beats to allow ladies to leave the Internet, cause ladies will probably cry bc they are emotional about leaving and they'll need to say goodbye and write a card and share baby pics.]

Fellas...

NEW BLUE BUMPER NUTZ!

Something Something...Something Something Something

A weird ball of self awareness has been welling up inside of me for about the past 3-months.  

It was 3-months ago where the sun began shining again and the flowers began blooming again and the birds began having sex with bees again to which there was this point that I felt, "hey, yeah, I want to let people know that things are happening again with the sun and the flowers and the inter-species sex" and that is great bc who wouldn't want to tell everybody that they realize stuff on a blog that has been more or less neglected for an entire calender year?

That last paragraph was thrilling to my one subscriber who is also my girlfriend.

So, 3-months.  great.  go.  let's write.  it's go time.  come on.  go ahead.  hurry up.  fast it up.  pump it out.  drop the words.  hot shit.  yeah.  now you've got it.  rub it right.  now left.  more left.  bump it out.  onto the TextEdit there.  drop the words.  go.

And then it hit me...nothing.  

Nothing hit me.  

Nothing at all.  

It was a big bag filled with nothing.  

Having nothing hit you in the face is worse than something.  Something at least carries some weight.  Some gravitas.  Even if that something is terrifying, something lets you know that somebody else is involved enough to throw the bag.  Nothing could have just been the wind playing its beautiful games. As I said, something could be terrifying.  Terrifying like poo or getting an entire year older without the feelings of a year passing or claymation or dogs with aggressive names like Mauler & SlipNut or MMA.  Terrifying.  Something.  Something is something.  Something's something and that's something to react at.

I am now reacting at nothing.

A bag of nothing.

I have nothing to comment on.

I hope the above was a metaphor and I hope that this maybe-metaphor worked bc I just graduated from Metaphor College and am hoping to be a Metaphor Assistant in my small town after I marry my middle school sweetheart.

My afternoons are filled with this vapid, portentous block hanging over my every written word.  Now that I'm beginning to write in a freelance atmosphere and I'm only as good as the last Don Draper reference, I've begun to take too much care of the letters that form my words.

Acting like they didn't come 26-to-a-pack in every alphabet in every elementary school across the country.  

25-to-a-pack in Mississippi.

What I'm saying is that WHY THE FUCK AM I FEELING LIKE I'M GIVEN A CERTAIN ALLOTMENT OF CREATIVITY PER DIEM AND IF I USE TOO MUCH OF IT ON MAKING NONSENSE THEN HOW WILL I BE ABLE TO SELL RICE TO PEOPLE IN ASIA IN A NIKE AD THAT LOOKS THIS BRILLIANT?

No sense.

The last blog I wrote, the only piece of writing that I have accomplished without the judgement of a client hedged on my happiness/suicide which was over 1 month ago, took me 3-days.

WHY THE FUCK DID A PIECE OF GARBAGE TAKE ME 3 DAYS?

WHY THE FUCK IS IT TAKING ME OVER A MONTH TO DO THINGS THAT I LOVE TO DO?

No sense.

This has taken me 3-hours and it is basically a diary entry.

DIARY'S ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE WEIGHTY PIECES OF CONCOCTED PRETENSE!

I'm getting too precious.  

I'm thinking that by writing some throw away words on some near nonexistent blog in comparison to its Internet quantity, my life will be held to a standard of brilliant/shut up hinged on absolutely nothing but bloated & narcissistic ego.  I'm thinking that anything written here would be fortunate enough to be read by anybody but my mother(hi, mom) and girlfriend(hi, sweetheart) and would be anything with enough substance to topple over in front of somebody that would care enough to look down to make sure it didn't scuff their shoes.

Again...Metaphor College top 7%.

HEY FUCKING TYLER...IT'S THE FUCKING INTERNET...JUST FUCKING WRITE SHIT DOWN!

Thank you, Tyler...you're right.

Fuck you, Tyler.

I love you, Tyler.

I love you too.

Could I Get A Misogyny Vodka with a Lemon Twist?

So I was all intrigued by this:

so I Google image searched this:

Kartika Sari Dewi Shukarno

and I eventually ended up at this:

and now all I want to do is testify under Malaysian court oath that she should NOT be caned siting the case Hilarious v. LMFAO.

The gravitas placed into Hilarious v. LMFAO entails that we all get to have a good chuckle on account of a picture found on Google in reference to an unsettling subject found on CNN.com, laughing away the sobering undertones that all radical religion ruins lives and typically supplies more OMFG in the bad way than OMFG in the teenager way.

And, Your Honor, my closing argument is as follows...would this dude get busted for drinking in Malaysia to celebrate beating all these chicks?
>
Fuck it...Malaysian police couldn't catch dat dude!!!

CASE FUCKING CLOSED, LAW & ORDER: LOL!!!

Things People Should Say At Comedy Clubs to Receive Awkward Silence: #486

Caught my first EVER episode of CSI: Who Cares this morning and my first impression is that there are going to be A LOT of disappointed pre-meds inside the next 8-17 years.

5 Things That Will Make You Wish Your Ears Were On My Head

SO, here's something that I used to do every single month for you guys.  I did it for 3 simple reasons...

• a) My idea cogs were stuck and there are only so many CNN headlines that allow you to lazily comment with sad sex rejoinders guessing at the story's content eg: "Entourage Star: 'I'm no longer a sucker' " ...didn't Entourage teach her anything about how to get ahead in Hollywood? ..."ahead", huh?  I didn't know we were going to talk about the Lohan family's rise to fame..."rise", well i wouldn't mind if that one chick from Entourage could give me a rise[note:only after we come full circle do I realize that I should've stopped writing before I began.  Meta.]
• b) Sometimes music has so much love to give and it just doesn't know where to put it...I'D tell music where to put it[note: still meta.]
  
• c) Sometimes rejoinders with sad, lazy sexual tone fit even more easily into great, sharable music that has so much love to give and doesn't know where to put it eg: Sunset Rubdown...um, yes please[note: if you happen to be reading this still, I'M SO SORRY!]]

But whatever.  

I don't have to justify myself to you, reader.  

Those 3 simple reasons above are called the "Circle of Life" and they're the basis for an entire movie about cartoon lions.
This baby knows what I'm talking about:

This lion, however, does not know what I'm talking about because he's too busy fucking that lady lion:

Whatever THAT lion fucking is all about...GET A ROOM, YOU LIONS!!...listen to me...yelling...yelling and using ellipses...acting like I come around this blog all that often.
ENOUGH, BEN GOOT'S EXCESSIVE ELLIPSES ESCORT!
It's time for me to acknowledge the fucking lion in the circle of life. 

Confession time: Gang...I don't come around here all that often. 

YYHHHEEEEEEWWW!!!!

Now that we got that pink elephant fucked by that lion off our backs...MUSIC!!!

Noisettes - ?
If I may take the time and introduce you to my new fake girlfriend:

Current real girlfriend will have to get used to falling into the category of "NOT the black girlfriend", and should be warned that love making conditions will now be metaphorically more "Hostess Cupcake" than "vanilla ice cream with a penis on-top"[note: if my mom is reading this, I'M SO SORRY].

But let's get off my new fake black girlfriend bc I just got off yours[note: if Rodney Dangerfield is reading this, I'M SO SORRY...JK LOL HEHE...dude's dead].

What song should you listen to by The Noisettes? I don't know...I guess they have alright songs.  I know for sure that my newest's fake girlfriend's voice is REALLY great.  The other night some blogger from Pitchfork came up to us while we were trying to have a romantic dinner at the Olive Garden[brag: THHHHE Olive Garden] and rudely interrupted our all-you-can-eat pasta & bread with an actual sentence strung together as such, "[This girlfriend of yours] establishes and then pushes through her fears, and her optimism and strong vocals combine to make opener 'Sometimes' the band's best song yet", and I'm all "MORE FETTUCCINE, NERD!!!!"

I don't really know what song to listen to. Go listen to "Sometimes" maybe? Maybe you'll like it.  I think it sorta sucks but whatever...I liked Breakfast Club...wait...YOU DID TOO?  What are the odds?  You liked it because of the obvious lack of black people in it, right?  Whatever, my new fake girlfriend's black so I CAN'T be racist.

Do this song...it's on the radio all the time and how could songs on the radio ever be a piece of a monopolizing Payola scandal wrong?


Freudian sexual rejoinder: Once you go black, you'll probably go back to your own race because things typically work out better for people from familiar backgrounds/cultures/dispositions/same colored privates.

Sunset Rubdown - You Go On Ahead (Trumpet Trumpet II)
"HOLY SHIT!", you will mutter shocked, aloud to yourself. "I DIDN'T FUCKING KNOW THEY COULD FUCKING DO THAT WITH MUSIC!", you will deny then accept at the top of your lungs. "JESUS'S DICK ON A DACHSHUND WHY IS THERE ONLY SO MUCH GENIUS IN THE CRUEL WORLD TO GO AROUND AND WHY HAS NONE LAIN IT'S DESPOT HANDS UPON MY DRY, BARREN, EMPTY PSYCHE FUCK SHIT FUCK!", your vocal calisthenics will cry out towards your aching heart as you look left to right across your page of lyrics with the song feverishly panting in the background.  "GOD FUCKING SHIT I THINK I'M GOING TO FUCK MYSELF AND COME ON THIS FUCKING SPEAKER SO IT CAN SHOOT SEMEN BACK AT ME WITH ITS IMPASSIONED PROSE AND ITS MOTHERING OEDIPAL SENTIMENT JESUS FUCK!", to which your mom will respond "THIS is why me and grandma don't like taking you to the mall with us, Thomas!"
Seriously...if songs were currency this song could buy all the tea in China and the Chinese would go "...and here's your change."
WOW...metaphors...WOW.


Rodney Dangerfield sex rejoinder: I think I went to a Sunset Rubdown in Koreatown once...got myself a to go order of chicken teriyaklamydia.

Florence and the Machine - Dog Days
Do you ever listen to songs and you wish that you were a musician of that song and you have these fantasies of being whisked away to a major US city to perform before an audience under-exposed to your music and you sing them this song and afterwards the entire audience is just in awe of what they heard and humming that song because the aching railroad track beat got stuck in their minds like the dressings of open wounds?

Yeah...me neither cuz I ain't no queer, but this is still a song you should listen to[note: do not judge this song by this video, bc art school is a hell of a drug].

Florence And The Machine - Dog Days

Realistic sex rejoinder: I wouldn't fuck this video with this video's dick!

Carla Bruni - Quelqu'un m'a dit
Me and the girlfriend(NOT the black one) went and saw (500) Day of Summer bc we decided that we wanted to have sex later than night and WOULDN'T YOU KNOW IT...we had ourselves that sex AND THEN she was all "Hey, what was that song that was in French" and I was all "Oh...you mean this one" and I began to gently and seductively jam my tongue down into her throat and she's all "Ngghho{removes tongue}, not that kind of French. I mean, yes Tyler, of course your are a sexual panther, but not now...mama is so worn from your 45-minutes of mighty viking loving just moments ago. I'm speaking of the French song where the 2 lovers were driving in the car together and Joseph Gordon Levitt's adorable character was asking about the definition of their relationship" and I was all "Oh...you mean this one" and I dropped my engorged and bulging pants to reveal a boom-box that immediately began to play Carla Bruni's  "Quelqu'un m'a dit" because that is the song my girlfriend was talking about the whole time.

I ain't play games wit ma boo.


International sex rejoinder: I think Ima need a French to English translator...FOR MY DICK!

Wolf Parade - Grounds for Divorce
I'm not even going to start justifying to you why I didn't listen to this entire album from my favorite band when it originally came out almost 5 years ago. I'm not even going to because we aren't living in your grandfather's world anymore where you live and die by the messages of Simon & Garfunkel's "Sound's of Silence" and you go off and become a hippy in San Francisco because those magnificent words like rays of sound spoke something inherently shattering into your caged soul when you lit a candle and played it backwards or something else that Satan told you to doSHUT UP & STARVE, ALMOST FAMOUS!
I don't have that kind of time to listen to everything always. 

I've seen that whole Simon & Garfunkel play and it ends with somebody getting brain damage and the other one doing an ill-conceived video with Chevy Chase.

Not exactly a Lion King exeunt[note: LION KING!  CIRCLE OF SADDEST!]!
Just listen and don't make the same mistakes I made by not listening to it for nearly 5 years and remember to be nice to your mother and slow down when you're driving past my house and don't walk outside with that wet head or you'll get the vapors and here's a candy bar.  

This song's like the $20 dollar bill you find in your winter pants at the end of fall, as per my above Sunset Rubdown currency metaphor, but now make that $20 dollar bill a $20 dollar EURO bill.

In this economy, we should all be so lucky.


Family-meeting sex rejoinder: Me and your mother are staying together for this song.

Entire Office Loses in "Michael Jackson Death Pool"

Sprouts Fairy Wings and Flies to Candy Mtn. - 7%

Messes with Child That Has Seen Jennifer Lopez Film Enough Too Many Times On TNT - 1%

Transformers into 1983 Buick Regal - 4%

Eats a Bad Piece of Stegosaurus Minot - 11%

Something About Owning a Llama and a Monkey and Swine Flu(?) - 2%

Aborts Himself(?) - 40%

Dance Fever - 9%

Cardiac Arrest - 0%

Cyborg Jackson from Future Assassinates Him - 17%

Crashes His #8 Michelin Car While Driving in the Daytona 500 - 3%

Thriller Was a Biography Shot In Real Time; Already Dead - 8%

I Guess I Owe an Apology Suicide

You Guys...

[sigh]

YEAH...I was pretty popular in high school and YEAH...I'm really sharp at dressing up and YEAH...I take a shower a minimum 1 time a day and YEAH...I don't have to have my mom to pay my car insurance anymore but I still do because C.R.E.A.M and YEAH...I find time to read "GRAVITY'S FUCKING RAINBOW" when I'm not jet-skiing around Paris or writing in my FUCKING POEMS ABOUT THE WHIMSY OF NATURE JOURNAL and YEAH...I've eaten sushi before that wasn't a California Roll and YEAH...I didn't vote but I would've voted for Obama and YEAH...I write under the pseudonym Ben Goot's FUCKING Car and YEAH...I wrote the below post about Jon & Kate & Brenda & Teenie & Lil' Nate & The Aardvark & Joe Green & PonyBoy & WHOEVER THE FUCK ELSE THEY LET INTO THEIR FAMILY sham of a marriage...

2 FUCKING YEARS OF ACTING LIKE YOU SORTA LIKE EACH OTHER BECAUSE "SHIT WE'VE ALREADY COME THIS FAR LET'S NOT BACK DOWN BECAUSE C.R.E.A.M AND AMERICA!"?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Those reading...THAT is valid reasoning behind Vietnam, why your dad still wears Merrell sandals and how Lost & Entourage get more seasons on the TV, but NOT valid reasoning for staying together for the kids unless, of course, your children are green and made of paper and have dead presidents faces on their faces and numerical denominations marked clearly on their bibs indicating how many pretty cars they could afford when added up, which all might have been an Outer Limits episode but now it's starting to be real and no longer being polite...

Real World: Jon & Kate & Deb & Boom Boom McGinty & Cancun.

The reason for guessing that I owe EVERYBODY an apology is that I have a feeling that my post is what navigated them through the "hey...let's try this" river stream and off, into and over the "hey...fuck you" waterfall.  My reasoning is that the news of their divorce being filed fell almost IMMEDIATELY following my previous post's calender date and most of my readers own a spectacular amount of children, whether they birthed them or not[hint: kidnappers LOVE my work.  I'm HUGE in El Salvador.]

I guess I'm sorry that I broke up your marriage sham, Jon & Kate & Rudy & Swift Reggie & P. Diddy & Irish.  I'm sorry that I looked at your sham and said, "Hey...yeah no."  I'm sorry that I didn't care one lick about if you were happy or not because I always sorta felt that you, Kate & Nel & Left Eye, were sort of a bitch and you, Jon & Gimpy Joe & Snowball, were always sort of a dummy.

LAAAWD knows that I wanted your sham to work because I think that your children are pretty great things and the worst thing for them is exactly what your sham did to them.  

That "thing", by the way, is allowing a camera enema up into them for 5-years without remorse.

So, I guess the saying is true..."All good shams are destined to be together forever until Ben Goot's Enlightenment Buick takes an introspective look at it and exposes it as ridiculous."

That's a saying, right?  

That's from Confucius, right?  

WHATEVER...I didn't major in Coffee Talk Philosophy 101 at Fancy College Dot Org.  I'm no queer!  I went to school at the only place my poor, black, retarded, polio stricken, Hispanic, dyslexic,  Vietnam vet, allergic to wheat, Portuguese, one-legged, molested as children, pretty in pink, taking care of ALL the sick cats in the neighborhood parents from a swamp in Hurricane Alley Mississippi could afford to send me to...THE SCHOOL OF FUCKING HARD KNOCKS: MAJOR IN ROUGH NECKIN' UR FACE!!!!!!!

i minored in abolishing cultural stereotypes...

YUMMMMMMMM...THATSA GOODA TACO, LUIGI!!!  Or wait...

I also apologize because just yesterday I made the comment, "Hey...wouldn't it be funny if Michael Jackson stole the spotlight out from under Farah Fawcett and just died?", so...yeah...I guess his publicist is a reader here too...

Sorry, Michael Jackson.  

You're welcome, Michael Jackson impersonators.

Don't Be A Jon & Kate + H8er

Who is a what where why is this couple with the different numbers and the +/- signs and the scandals and the front hair mullet meme on US Weekly again and again?

Jon & Kate + 8?  

Jon - 9?

Just Kate + 8?

Jon + 2 & Kate + 6?

Jon - 3 & Kate + 4 & A Train Leaves Cleveland @ 4:30pm?

Shit's like that Good Will Hunting problem that Matt Damon had to solve.

"How do you like them apples?"

"They are confusing."

Memo

Attn: Celebrity tabloid publisher DOOOODS

Subject: 30% American High School Drop-Out Rate

Body: ENOUGH WITH ADDING & SUBTRACTING NUMBERS TO THE NAMES I BARELY KNOW HOW TO READ!

I get it though.

A LOT of babies.

It's a RETARDED amount of babies to have unless you eat babies as food.  

Angelina Jolie was all, "Whoa, guys...chill it THE FUCK out!

I'm all LOL JK.

We will ALL be laughing about this together later in our lives.

These dogs know what I'm talking about:

I KNOW what a Jon & Kate + 8 is.

I'm not a blind person that refuses to hear TLC programming.

I used to watch their show because I wanted to see how sad my Friday night at home alone could get.  The answer turned out to somehow be more than +8.

The thing is, if anybody had bothered to watch the show beyond shut-ins & cat ladies & me BEFORE this whole scandal, we would have told you that these two SUPER hated each other since their first season of patronizing interview glances.

She would CONSTANTLY berate & belittle his decisions & parenting and impress upon the audience that he was the biggest dummy in the least playful & most nonchalant ways, which DUH you get married to your high school sweetheart directly out of high school and make babies immediately YES YOU ARE A DUMMY AND YOU WILL GROW TO HATE EACH OTHER FOR KILLING EACH OTHER'S DREAMS, but the strangest thing is that these two made it 5-seasons on this show with BOTH being the most boring who-cares of the "Film Me Raising My Kids" genre.

The thing is, if it weren't for the +8, then Jon & Kate would simply be +2 reasons for "...and we aren't letting homosexual couples get married BECAUSE?" and -1 reason for this.

Regardless of what US Weekly is trying to tell you about the pair, they AREN'T like you & me & everyone we know because THEY have made a conscious decision to ruin 10-LIVES and 1-VAGINA with 80-FUCKING VIDEO CAMERAS for the price of 1-SURGICALLY ENHANCED VAGINA.

Don't get me wrong, I'm sure the children didn't ruin their lives, although kids can be trying on marriages even WITHOUT an editing bay being run from inside your garage.  The kids seem kid-behaved and the little boys seem boy-rambunctious and the little girls seem girl-shy and the parental recounts of the day seem boring-typical, and THAT is where the meat of this show comes from...parental recounts.

Mind you, they have 6-more kids than normal people so "OMG she has SOOOOO much on her plate, my 2 are trouble enough, the other night Jake...", but it's not like the kids are doing anything exceptionally un-kid like.  

None of them are REALLY good at the piano.  

None of them are supermodels.  

None of them are shooting meth currently.  

None of them are hysterically overweight and are married to a woman MUCH more attractive to them and have antics-guised-as-life-lessons each week to attract a CBS consumer.   

We were given 5-seasons of rehashing stories about babies throwing a 3-minute tantrum because they didn't like their peanut butter & jelly sandwich until they were told to remember that yes it was their favorite and then they like it? 

The reality is that THE QUANTITY OF THE KIDS ARE THE REAL STARS OF JON & KATE + 8, PEOPLE!

Yeah yeah yeah, I get it.  The kids aren't raising themselves.  They aren't going to Safeway and getting 4-Magnums of champagne for their baby mimosas and they aren't buying their own baby New York Times to keep tabs on their baby portfolios and they aren't having unfulfilling baby jobs during daytime hours with which to afford flat-screen TV's for their baby "Man Caves"I KNOW ALL THIS BECAUSE I'M A SCIENTIST AT NOT BEING RIDICULOUS!

 

THESE KIDS ARE A CASH COW and if there is ANYTHING that America LOVES more than a cash cow it's GIVING THAT CASH COW ITS COMEUPPANCE WHEN WE FAIL TO BE THE FIRST TO REAP THE FISCAL BENEFITS OF ITS POPULARITY!

Ladies & gentleman...I'm here to give the babies of Jon & Kate what they deserve...A HACKNEYED STRING OF PICTURES AND LAZY INSULTS & SNAP JUDGEMENTS BECAUSE AMERICA IS A COUNTRY I JUST SO HAPPEN TO LIVE IN!!!!! 

Shouldn't you two be getting a job somewhere or something?  Aren't you guys like 27?  Isn't Miley Cyrus like 34?  What is this "Internet" teenagers keep talking about?

Freeloaders.

Don't worry...your assistant is lukewarming your lavender-gold Frappadappacino so you can gulp it once the shoot is over...NO NEED TO GIVE US THE SHIT-EYE!!!

Diva.

No, hey buddy, you tired?  Go ahead and take a snooze.  I mean, this is ONLY A $30,000 PHOTO SHOOT THAT YOU CAN'T SEEM TO STAY AWAKE FOR REGARDLESS OF HOW MUCH ROCKSTAR SUGAR-FREE WE GIVE YOU!!!!!!

Pussy.

Don't worry precious, we'll take another cocaine break right after we get 4-more cliNO?  Cocaine right now?  Yes'm.

Party Ho.

Hey...um...yeah...jer...buttfa...whatever.  That's a SIK lookin' baby.

+8 HAWT!!!!!

Why don't you use some of those complimentary diamond encrusted contacts you got in your SWAG bag from Sundance?  Too good for it because it's free?  Rather just hand it out to your entourage?  What...your entourage is just Jon & Kate?

Nerd AND Loser.

Wait...didn't I already see you and call you a diva or something equally awful to call a child?  It was a while ago and I forgot.  I'm old.  Go away.  Change scare me.  Why are there a billion of you?

Who cares.

OK...so that wasn't as much fun as I thought it was going to be.  

Turns out that the +8 aren't necessarily thoughtless babies anymore but rather young children fully capable of understanding the stress & heartache that comes accompanied with a family unit falling apart while relentlessly trying to outmaneuver one another through the Associated Press.

You know...normal, everyday kid stuff.  Growing pains.  You know...it was a "sitcom" that appeared exclusively on the "cathode ray tube television" back in 1945?

FUCK YOU FOR DOING THIS TO THESE KIDS & FUCK YOU FOR CANCELING GROWING PAINS, AMERICA!

Let's get back to making fun of just plain Google image search babies just because they are such dummies and have no idea about anything and stuff!!!!!!

Summa Cum LalaSHUT UP!  

Whatever...it's not like Arizona State's finance program is all that challenging anyway.  YOU HAVE A FAULTY VIEW ON YOUR SCHOLASTIC ACCOMPLISHMENT, BABY!!!

Chill out, Kris Kringle...it's July...STOP OVER-COMMERCIALIZING MY HOLIDAY SPIRIT AND WEAR PANTS, BABY!!!!

Hey, baby...RELAX!  IT'S A DOLLAR!  That won't even buy a cup of decent imported coffee anymore.  You babies don't know NOTHING about fiscal inflation.

What is this?  2006?  Is that why this baby thinks he's cool with his 'stache?  Because he's not! Babies are the MOST un-cool!

Yes.

Yelling isn't going to magically make your home un-forclose, baby!  Maybe next time you won't get suckered into one of those Collateralized Home Loans, YOU 3-MONTH OLD IDIOT!!!!

HEEEY!  NO!  GET BACK TO STUDYING FOR YOUR GMAT!!!!

I'd party with that black baby, but that other baby looks like a narc.  Non-black babies are ALWAYS snitches.

How's your 401k doing now, Whiz Kid?  Sit down, shut up and let the Chinese start running things like it outta be, Poop Butt!

This baby is simply showcasing his right to bare arms while his parents are simply showcasing their right to be horrible fucking parents.

NO!  You learn to talk like the rest of us!  You ain't special!  You ain't illegal immigrants!

Tasteless & Crass + 8.  Wiener jokes...  Grow up, you immature ass baby!

sigh...They grow up so fast.

YEAH...good ole' fashioned baby sassin'!  Couldn't do this sorta stuff in Iran unless you TWITTRED about it AFTER you TWITTRED about getting smacked in the face.  FREEDOM AND 9/11!

Never Forget...Babies Everywhere.