Alright, Alltel: Megalomaniac

It started as such an enlightened parable. The cellular-ly confused come to Chad with gloatful minds and braggadocios cries, and much like an understanding father reasoning with a simple-minded child that is retard strong, he would silence their grandiloquence. Chad would then reveal unto them a much more economically sound and respectable idea, one that could not only save these lost children money but also make communication between family and friends perpetual. I feel as if I wouldn't be stretching when I say that within these early glimpses of Chad I am also seeing the classical Hollywood Messiah figure. Much like Luke Skywalker was to "Star Wars", Neo to "The Martix" or Jesus to "The Passion of the Christ", Chad is simply absorbing and reacting by way of salvation. Now, WHAT is being saved, whether it is humanity or capital, is simply up for interpretation.

In the sequel, our story abruptly turns sour. Our one time savior is now scorning and creating contemptuous messages towards all opposition. Chad does not just simply pester and prod his antagonists enough to command a personal visit from each of them, but he has the gall to spit in their faces by knowingly expensing money from their phone plans through costly text messages.

Far from the exemplar that we admired in the first commercial, Chad pushes his ideals and methods onto his competitors like so much salt into wounds. This one time messianic character now carries the brash and boastful manifest of Charlemagne. It is the situation of the double edged sword sitting at the throat of the conquered king, waiting for a reply to interpret which direction the blade shall take course in. I ask you, did Jesus strap the Pharisees and heretics in the Temple to a cross and shove the beattitudes down their throats like so much "Taquita and Kaui"...I mean christ, MTV...what you've got here is a weak spin off of a tired concept crapped onto "seen it before" paper and filed under trite.

Also...Chad trying to crack wise with the portly young fellow. "Where do you keep your phone?"...GARBAGE!!!!...The guy is wearing pants, Chad...the guy could most likely be keeping it in his back pocket or even in some crudely fashioned holster he wears around his thigh or calf. The options are practically endless, Chad!!!

...Let's all wear dignity and refrain above all other garments in a Gentleman's Battle, Chad...you cockpeice.

This is where the line gets a little blurry...Yes, retaliation has been declared by way of gang mentality and intimidation as a defense mechanism towards Chad's new found position as cellular provider godhead. However, when truly pressed to read between the lines of the situation, our gang is merely recommending a symposium with this intimidator in a secret location as to not draw attention towards the severity of the matter. Once Chad enters the van, the group offered up the hospitality of an Italian household, presenting to Chad a lone seat in an un cramped region of the van. While pleasantries failed against the obstinate case of Chad's halted notions, the group simply became frustrated. With an empty rumor of a threat pervade by the group, we come to see what amateur scoundrels these neophytes to crime truly are. Misguided youths shall grow, and grow into the leaders of tomorrow after learning from their mistakes is what I always say.

What really turns my cranks, though, is when Chad feels the need to raz the discussion's participants. "What level Dungeon Master"...christ Chad, what the hell is your problem. These guys clearly have very limited social skills, and are doing there very best to try and have fun in a world that steps all over their uniqueness and feelings.

Holy Hell, Chad...it's obvious that things didn't turn out all "I'm going to be a baseball player when I grow up" well for you. What are you, like 28 and you're selling phones, not even management, just that pathetic weekday night closer who is given a key and some arbitrary title to make you feel like you've accomplished something without actually giving you a wages raise. not only are you selling alltel phones but you seem to really be guzzling down the whole alltel corporate culture kool-aid for being such a trivial cog in their machine, Chad. Ever seen "Dazed and Confused", Chad?...the Mathew McConahey character?...welcome to your life, Chad...you keep getting older while the girls keep staying the same age, right?...pretty funny, Chad, until the only punch line to the joke is going to be your entire life. Speaking of girls...WTF!...ogling another woman in front of your girlfriend...where the hell do you get off!!!!

...Really classy, Chad...maybe you should worry less about texting or in-calling or sucking all the meat off the bone and start filling out some paperwork to get back into practitioner school. I know, I know...the Kansas City Goldminers are looking for a workhorse infielder, but you're getting old, Chad...they don't need some down on his luck dreamer that wasn't good enough 10 years ago to burden them with another has-been tryout. Maybe just get your feet wet with some online classes... a University of Phoenix to start could be really good for you. While not the most prestigious, it could give you something to work towards, teach you responsibility and maybe even help garner the maturity that a man like yourself needs to present himself with. Maybe when you get an associates in 2 years you could do something really valuable with your time instead of harassing young phone salesman. Why not get into the lucrative and respectable "house flipping" industry with your older brother, Skip? He knows construction, I mean he took wood shop in high school...and all that heavy lifting he's doing down at the Anheuser Busch keg distribution center will really cut down on labor.

Just do something with your life, Chad. Yeah, I hate you pretty bad but I also want you to do something with your life besides wasting it so I can hate you and not feel bad for you at the same time.