YEAH...I was pretty popular in high school and YEAH...I'm really sharp at dressing up and YEAH...I take a shower a minimum 1 time a day and YEAH...I don't have to have my mom to pay my car insurance anymore but I still do because C.R.E.A.M and YEAH...I find time to read "GRAVITY'S FUCKING RAINBOW" when I'm not jet-skiing around Paris or writing in my FUCKING POEMS ABOUT THE WHIMSY OF NATURE JOURNAL and YEAH...I've eaten sushi before that wasn't a California Roll and YEAH...I didn't vote but I would've voted for Obama and YEAH...I write under the pseudonym Ben Goot's FUCKING Car and YEAH...I wrote the below post about Jon & Kate & Brenda & Teenie & Lil' Nate & The Aardvark & Joe Green & PonyBoy & WHOEVER THE FUCK ELSE THEY LET INTO THEIR FAMILY sham of a marriage...
Those reading...THAT is valid reasoning behind Vietnam, why your dad still wears Merrell sandals and how Lost & Entourage get more seasons on the TV, but NOT valid reasoning for staying together for the kids unless, of course, your children are green and made of paper and have dead presidents faces on their faces and numerical denominations marked clearly on their bibs indicating how many pretty cars they could afford when added up, which all might have been an Outer Limits episode but now it's starting to be real and no longer being polite...
Real World: Jon & Kate & Deb & Boom Boom McGinty & Cancun.
The reason for guessing that I owe EVERYBODY an apology is that I have a feeling that my post is what navigated them through the "hey...let's try this" river stream and off, into and over the "hey...fuck you" waterfall. My reasoning is that the news of their divorce being filed fell almost IMMEDIATELY following my previous post's calender date and most of my readers own a spectacular amount of children, whether they birthed them or not[hint: kidnappers LOVE my work. I'm HUGE in El Salvador.]
I guess I'm sorry that I broke up your marriage sham, Jon & Kate & Rudy & Swift Reggie & P. Diddy & Irish. I'm sorry that I looked at your sham and said, "Hey...yeah no." I'm sorry that I didn't care one lick about if you were happy or not because I always sorta felt that you, Kate & Nel & Left Eye, were sort of a bitch and you, Jon & Gimpy Joe & Snowball, were always sort of a dummy.
LAAAWD knows that I wanted your sham to work because I think that your children are pretty great things and the worst thing for them is exactly what your sham did to them.
That "thing", by the way, is allowing a camera enema up into them for 5-years without remorse.
So, I guess the saying is true..."All good shams are destined to be together forever until Ben Goot's Enlightenment Buick takes an introspective look at it and exposes it as ridiculous."
That's a saying, right?
That's from Confucius, right?
WHATEVER...I didn't major in Coffee Talk Philosophy 101 at Fancy College Dot Org. I'm no queer! I went to school at the only place my poor, black, retarded, polio stricken, Hispanic, dyslexic, Vietnam vet, allergic to wheat, Portuguese, one-legged, molested as children, pretty in pink, taking care of ALL the sick cats in the neighborhood parents from a swamp in Hurricane Alley Mississippi could afford to send me to...THE SCHOOL OF FUCKING HARD KNOCKS: MAJOR IN ROUGH NECKIN' UR FACE!!!!!!!
i minored in abolishing cultural stereotypes...
YUMMMMMMMM...THATSA GOODA TACO, LUIGI!!! Or wait...
I also apologize because just yesterday I made the comment, "Hey...wouldn't it be funny if Michael Jackson stole the spotlight out from under Farah Fawcett and just died?", so...yeah...I guess his publicist is a reader here too...
Who is a what where why is this couple with the different numbers and the +/- signs and the scandals and the front hair mullet meme on US Weekly again and again?
Jon & Kate + 8?
Jon - 9?
Just Kate + 8?
Jon + 2 & Kate + 6?
Jon - 3 & Kate + 4 & A Train Leaves Cleveland @ 4:30pm?
Shit's like that Good Will Hunting problem that Matt Damon had to solve.
"How do you like them apples?"
"They are confusing."
Memo
Attn: Celebrity tabloid publisher DOOOODS
Subject: 30% American High School Drop-Out Rate
Body: ENOUGH WITH ADDING & SUBTRACTING NUMBERS TO THE NAMES I BARELY KNOW HOW TO READ!
I get it though.
A LOT of babies.
It's a RETARDED amount of babies to have unless you eat babies as food.
Angelina Jolie was all, "Whoa, guys...chill it THE FUCK out!
I'm all LOL JK.
We will ALL be laughing about this together later in our lives.
These dogs know what I'm talking about:
I KNOW what a Jon & Kate + 8 is.
I'm not a blind person that refuses to hear TLC programming.
I used to watch their show because I wanted to see how sad my Friday night at home alone could get. The answer turned out to somehow be more than +8.
The thing is, if anybody had bothered to watch the show beyond shut-ins & cat ladies & me BEFORE this whole scandal, we would have told you that these two SUPER hated each other since their first season of patronizing interview glances.
She would CONSTANTLY berate & belittle his decisions & parenting and impress upon the audience that he was the biggest dummy in the least playful & most nonchalant ways, which DUH you get married to your high school sweetheart directly out of high school and make babies immediately YES YOU ARE A DUMMY AND YOU WILL GROW TO HATE EACH OTHER FOR KILLING EACH OTHER'S DREAMS, but the strangest thing is that these two made it 5-seasons on this show with BOTH being the most boring who-cares of the "Film Me Raising My Kids" genre.
The thing is, if it weren't for the +8, then Jon & Kate would simply be +2 reasons for "...and we aren't letting homosexual couples get married BECAUSE?" and -1 reason for this.
Regardless of what US Weekly is trying to tell you about the pair, they AREN'T like you & me & everyone we know because THEY have made a conscious decision to ruin 10-LIVES and 1-VAGINA with 80-FUCKING VIDEO CAMERAS for the price of 1-SURGICALLY ENHANCED VAGINA.
Don't get me wrong, I'm sure the children didn't ruin their lives, although kids can be trying on marriages even WITHOUT an editing bay being run from inside your garage. The kids seem kid-behaved and the little boys seem boy-rambunctious and the little girls seem girl-shy and the parental recounts of the day seem boring-typical, and THAT is where the meat of this show comes from...parental recounts.
Mind you, they have 6-more kids than normal people so "OMG she has SOOOOO much on her plate, my 2 are trouble enough, the other night Jake...", but it's not like the kids are doing anything exceptionally un-kid like.
None of them are REALLY good at the piano.
None of them are supermodels.
None of them are shooting meth currently.
None of them are hysterically overweight and are married to a woman MUCH more attractive to them and have antics-guised-as-life-lessons each week to attract a CBS consumer.
We were given 5-seasons of rehashing stories about babies throwing a 3-minute tantrum because they didn't like their peanut butter & jelly sandwich until they were told to remember that yes it was their favorite and then they like it?
The reality is that THE QUANTITY OF THE KIDS ARE THE REAL STARS OF JON & KATE + 8, PEOPLE!
Yeah yeah yeah, I get it. The kids aren't raising themselves. They aren't going to Safeway and getting 4-Magnums of champagne for their baby mimosas and they aren't buying their own baby New York Times to keep tabs on their baby portfolios and they aren't having unfulfilling baby jobs during daytime hours with which to afford flat-screen TV's for their baby "Man Caves"I KNOW ALL THIS BECAUSE I'M A SCIENTIST AT NOT BEING RIDICULOUS!
THESE KIDS ARE A CASH COW and if there is ANYTHING that America LOVES more than a cash cow it's GIVING THAT CASH COW ITS COMEUPPANCE WHEN WE FAIL TO BE THE FIRST TO REAP THE FISCAL BENEFITS OF ITS POPULARITY!
Ladies & gentleman...I'm here to give the babies of Jon & Kate what they deserve...A HACKNEYED STRING OF PICTURES AND LAZY INSULTS & SNAP JUDGEMENTS BECAUSE AMERICA IS A COUNTRY I JUST SO HAPPEN TO LIVE IN!!!!!
Shouldn't you two be getting a job somewhere or something? Aren't you guys like 27? Isn't Miley Cyrus like 34? What is this "Internet" teenagers keep talking about?
Freeloaders.
Don't worry...your assistant is lukewarming your lavender-gold Frappadappacino so you can gulp it once the shoot is over...NO NEED TO GIVE US THE SHIT-EYE!!!
Diva.
No, hey buddy, you tired? Go ahead and take a snooze. I mean, this is ONLY A $30,000 PHOTO SHOOT THAT YOU CAN'T SEEM TO STAY AWAKE FOR REGARDLESS OF HOW MUCH ROCKSTAR SUGAR-FREE WE GIVE YOU!!!!!!
Pussy.
Don't worry precious, we'll take another cocaine break right after we get 4-more cliNO? Cocaine right now? Yes'm.
Party Ho.
Hey...um...yeah...jer...buttfa...whatever. That's a SIK lookin' baby.
+8 HAWT!!!!!
Why don't you use some of those complimentary diamond encrusted contacts you got in your SWAG bag from Sundance? Too good for it because it's free? Rather just hand it out to your entourage? What...your entourage is just Jon & Kate?
Nerd AND Loser.
Wait...didn't I already see you and call you a diva or something equally awful to call a child? It was a while ago and I forgot. I'm old. Go away. Change scare me. Why are there a billion of you?
Who cares.
OK...so that wasn't as much fun as I thought it was going to be.
Turns out that the +8 aren't necessarily thoughtless babies anymore but rather young children fully capable of understanding the stress & heartache that comes accompanied with a family unit falling apart while relentlessly trying to outmaneuver one another through the Associated Press.
You know...normal, everyday kid stuff. Growing pains. You know...it was a "sitcom" that appeared exclusively on the "cathode ray tube television" back in 1945?
FUCK YOU FOR DOING THIS TO THESE KIDS & FUCK YOU FOR CANCELING GROWING PAINS, AMERICA!
Let's get back to making fun of just plain Google image search babies just because they are such dummies and have no idea about anything and stuff!!!!!!
Summa Cum LalaSHUT UP!
Whatever...it's not like Arizona State's finance program is all that challenging anyway. YOU HAVE A FAULTY VIEW ON YOUR SCHOLASTIC ACCOMPLISHMENT, BABY!!!
Chill out, Kris Kringle...it's July...STOP OVER-COMMERCIALIZING MY HOLIDAY SPIRIT AND WEAR PANTS, BABY!!!!
Hey, baby...RELAX! IT'S A DOLLAR! That won't even buy a cup of decent imported coffee anymore. You babies don't know NOTHING about fiscal inflation.
What is this? 2006? Is that why this baby thinks he's cool with his 'stache? Because he's not! Babies are the MOST un-cool!
Yes.
Yelling isn't going to magically make your home un-forclose, baby! Maybe next time you won't get suckered into one of those Collateralized Home Loans, YOU 3-MONTH OLD IDIOT!!!!
HEEEY! NO! GET BACK TO STUDYING FOR YOUR GMAT!!!!
I'd party with that black baby, but that other baby looks like a narc. Non-black babies are ALWAYS snitches.
How's your 401k doing now, Whiz Kid? Sit down, shut up and let the Chinese start running things like it outta be, Poop Butt!
This baby is simply showcasing his right to bare arms while his parents are simply showcasing their right to be horrible fucking parents.
NO! You learn to talk like the rest of us! You ain't special! You ain't illegal immigrants!
Tasteless & Crass + 8. Wiener jokes... Grow up, you immature ass baby!
sigh...They grow up so fast.
YEAH...good ole' fashioned baby sassin'! Couldn't do this sorta stuff in Iran unless you TWITTRED about it AFTER you TWITTRED about getting smacked in the face. FREEDOM AND 9/11!
It's odd being projected a glimpse into a soul the way we are given admission to see Mike Tyson's. The idea of a soul typically consists of one's thoughts & personality, and can be synonymous with the entity's spirit, mind & self. That is why it's strange peering into Mike Tyson's eyes and literally seeing his soul.
Because IT'S MIKE TYSON.
BECAUSE IT'S FUCKING MIKE TYSON'S CRAZY FUCKING SOUL.
That guy makes syphilis look like an executive accountant at H&R Block.
Yeah...Mike Tyson.
No...TYSON. Not the British guy with the vacuum. T-Y-SON.
He's the guy that said this for later generations to listen to:
You know...fornicate...fornication..."Iron" Mike TyJESUS am I talking to frog guppiesDO YOU BABIES EVEN KNOW WHAT A MIKE TYSON IS?
Yeesh.
What do they teach you in your One Tree Hill prep class? Is One Tree Hill still a thing that you even prep anymore? MTV? Calling flashy jewelry "Bling"? The Dot Com Bubble? Do you know what any of that was? It's cold outside you should put on a sweater? Could you turn down your bass music it's past 9pm and mom's trying to sleep?
If you don't know what I just wrote because they were spelt out words and not "SEXTS", don't worry, babies...Mike Tyson. Now THAT'S a guy who's stirred up the shit.
I mean....the guy's a rabble rouser! Flaming Skull Steve McQueen! He's basically: the original poster child AND scapegoat for the glamorization AND repercussions of gross over-indulgence AND lofty youthful expectations; the face of aggressive, black male rape; brought the Persian empire cowering to its knees with only 299 other warriors by his side. You know...a 300 reference for ? reasons[hint: it's because I'm LZY].
For this reason[read: "this reason" being my 300 reference], it is my Roman duty to identify this Tyson for you[read: NOW begins my Spartacus reference portion of the post]. For God, for country, for blog, for self. If you are the living body of the man known as Mike Tyson, STAND AND IDENTIFY YOURSELF!!!!!...
"I'm Mike Tyson!"
"I'm Mike Tyson!"
"I'm Mike Tyson and a consistent Jay Leno go-to punchline!"
"I'm your ominous memories of Mike Tyson utilized for comedic effect!"
"I'm Tyson chicken!"
"I'm Mike Tyson!"
All correct things.
Crucify them all...but WAIT WHUT HUH?
The way that I tell it, there are only two ways with which to have started the trailer for a movie about Mike Tyson. You could either play this song:
Or you could play this song:
You could also play this song
but then everybody would've been all OMG DO U MEMBR THT CREEPER 6 FLAGS OLD GUY DNCING WTF!!!!!! and then everybody would miss the foreshadowing tones of female exploitation throughout the video as well as not make the connection of BOOM BOOM BOOM as a clever pattern metaphor for Tyson's historic 3-tiered combo/3-rape accusations and also I think the chicks in the video are dudes did I miss something on the Venga Boy's wikipedia page? Babies?
Yeah, I get WHY the director, James Toback, could've gone with ANY other song in the world that conveyed crazy with a K[read:KRAZY!]. Tyson's a giant, worn fucking punchline for NUTZ! He's a cannonball of a little black man that had a squeaky voice and irrational reasoning and Ross Perot idioms and a face tattoo. LOWEST HANGING FRUIT, MAD TV! The point is that Toback chose to go with a Rocky homage because what is current day Mike Tyson's legacy besides that of a "rags to riches" fight of the spirit; in Tyson's new story instead of enlightenment through KO's & upper-cuts, it's through wrestling with time's demons and a searching of his soul. Smart, Toback.
Tyson has transformed himself is a cognizant ball of self-awareness. Perhaps through a decade of therapy or prison or Islam or getting his face punched through, Tyson has somehow seen his past and reflects on it in a humble, articulate manner. For all intents & purposes, this film wouldn't have been hard to make. An afternoon in a summer's sun. This film was basically Mike Tyson talking &/or responding to questions asked of him. Documentary, duh.
"Well then why don't you go make a Mike Tyson documentary then?"
"Well, I had a pretty big lunch and I'm looking for a nap."
But by inferring that the gathering portion for this documentary was simple is to take NOTHING away from what is edited together as story.
Tyson is an INCREDIBLE story.
The movie is a cold open. For nearly 15-minutes, we are given a variety of frames that show nothing more than the stare of Tyson. He never breaks his gaze with Toback, even when breaking down into tears, seemingly preparing for his interviewer to sense his emotional weakness and pounce on him with a series of shuddering blows to the head.
Tyson was bred like an animal and trained like an animal and he still has the instincts of one, now broken down, wiser and afraid of the repercussions that come with both.
He's a beaten piece of meat that gave everything to something he loved, loved it with careless & youthful abandon and the affair moved on between the both of them. Above all other things, I write this saying that Tyson nearly moved me to tears when he spoke so openly during his last fight's post-fight interview{2:45}:
He no longer had anything to give. That his life was now empty, left with a gigantic hole that he himself had dug, made him vulnerable in a way that we are ALL vulnerable to our decisions. He was human. He was just like us. He is just like me. He changes his mind and gets discouraged and finds fault in what he does and he forsakes things he once cherished for the betterment of self and he owes it to his warrior spirit to step aside and stop tarnishing honor that he as a warrior king had once conquered.
Mind you, that interview happened the fight AFTER this interview happened...
Yeah yeah yeah...funny.
But shit taken out of context is ALWAYS funny. Soundbites...more like Gigglebites!
This guy knows what I'm talking about:
Ask Fox News how they made Howard Dean so LOL JK...
GOD BLESS THE USJK!
That man showed passion & excitement in a manner that wasn't crippled with conservative fearmongering. I believe they call that shit "Change"[read:foreshadowing]!
9/LOL. Never Forget...TO LOL AT HOWARD DEAN!!!!
But whatever, Howard Dean acted crazy with a K, but Dean actually IS crazy with a K while Tyson is also crazy with a HOLY SHIT YOU ARE THE CRAZIEST PERSON BECAUSE "SPINAL" HUH?!?!?!?!?!!!!!
But hey, that's life. Fights happen and fights are ignored because you become aware of the joke that you've become and you no longer feel like participating as a brawling baboon for the masses trying to ring every last joke dollar out of your sweat rags.
Smart, Tyson.
Eventually, the man's heart breaking confession that boxing is no longer his passion falls upon an audience of deaf MAD TV laughs and those that paid theatre admission price for this film and YOU because Tyson was no longer the funny, squeaky voiced black man to laugh at.
The film leaves you with Tyson's endless stare and a sense that while peace within his soul is far from found, we should all be so lucky to experience our past transgressions in such thoughtful awareness & intrigue towards a better mind, spirit and self.
This is still pretty much THE BEST THING though:
But, hey...DON'T YOU DARE think that I'm only sitting around watching Tyson when I'm not busy talking to the Internet once every month. No. NO. NO! DOUBLE FUCK NO!!!!!!! I'm busy seeing other movies too. LOTS of other movies. Movies so good you just don't know about them. They're movies you've never heard of because they're from the Niagara Falls area and go back home for the Summer. They're all REALLY good looking though.
But movies...check out these other things that I've been done seeing and my Tyson-esque review of each:
"Oh...do you mean this, because THAT is going to be spoken verbatim at my funeralCORRECTION...my VIKING FUNERAL."
